I Remember
by Jazmin Byers
I remember not wanting to pick you.
I remember everyone else loving you for your soul, your history, the courage you brought to others.
I remember choosing to pursue you because of how everyone else felt about you and figured myself that "Hey, maybe I'll feel all that one day, too."
I remember taking you to our very first rehearsal.
I remember being told we were "going to be great one day," after barely getting our one note.
I remember being told we sound "good" with me only being eight and you twenty-five.
I remember thinking, "Why do people lie just to make you feel better?"
I remember us discovering HBCU bands and making that our goal. Especially Southern, FAMU, and J State.
I remember starting private lessons to make our goal.
I remember when we could barely get our high notes and I blamed you so I wouldn't have to blame myself.
I remember the first feeling of wanting to give up on you.
I remember everyone saying I couldn't give up if I wanted to make it as a musician.
I remember realizing they just wanted us to be their puppets because they love the soul and history of you.
I remember us having to find a new band.
I remember hearing everyone in that new band being so much better than us.
I remember blaming you for it.
I remember finding an expert who knew all about you who promised to make me an expert on you, too.
I remember you and me rising slowly above.
I remember me and you becoming first chair.
I remember me and you becoming section leader.
I remember practicing in the morning, during school, and after along with private lessons.
I remember our first solo.
I remember all of a sudden ten years had vanished because we missed every homecoming, every dance, every field trip, all because we had to be the best.
I remember still hating you deep down for all you made me miss.
I remember making it into an HBCU band, but why wasn't I excited anymore?
I remember sucking it up for you and everyone else. Just like I always do.
I remember that we're in the present now and I still resent everything about you.
I can't remember because I'm currently still trapped with no way to escape.
* * *
Jazmin Byers is an Animal Poultry & Veterinary Science Major from Kansas City, Missouri.